How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
there is glitter all over my balls
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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