just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
