I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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