I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
