apparently the secret to your success is patron
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize