You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
