In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
