I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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