I faked an abortion last night.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
