And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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