drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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