Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
