just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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