I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
