be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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