I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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