I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
