i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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