Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
