pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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