When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
