I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
