Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
