someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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