I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
