probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
