Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
pop tarts are not kleenex
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
