The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
