You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
