I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
