I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
