i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
