Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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