I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
