The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
