guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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