she woke up with a sticky ear
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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