you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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