you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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