She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
