people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
