Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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