My pussy is not your playground.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
