bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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