he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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