what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize