can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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