he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
