Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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