K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
