cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
