Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's never too late to be topless.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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