totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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