Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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