barbara walters just said penis...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Randomize
