Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
