Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i love accidental penises.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
