Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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