ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
