Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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