Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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