I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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