I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
