you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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