proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize