I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
