Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
